A Vignette of Darkness
It's time to be honest. That's the original intent of this blog. To be honest—to get it out.
For years and years, I've suffered from depression. But then again, perhaps suffered is not always the correct term. Sometimes I've reveled in it. Before I continue: please note that this is not a "cry for help," I am by no means suicidal, nor am I looking for a pity party or anything like that. I'll get by. But to give you a glimpse into what depression is like, here goes.
At this point in my life, it seems as if I can feel only three, maybe four distinct emotive states. Depression, non-depression, slight bursts of anger (mostly caused by injustices), and once in a while, bewilderment. From time to time, there are thin rays of sunlight that peak through, but the clouds of depression are always lurking, ready to cut them off. But, as said before, sometimes I revel in the depression. I don't drink, but I imagine the buzz of having a few beers could be related to the slight "buzz" I get from a low-level depressive state. When in such a state, I become more creative, focused, and dedicated. But it is a very very fine line. One step forward and it's down the crevasse. One step backward, and it's back to the light, but the benefits vanish. Those states are rare. Typically I make most art pieces during such times or write on this blog, as I'm now doing.
But the dark periods are like nothing else. The darkness, the bad feelings, are tangible. You can stretch out a finger and poke the ten-ton blanket that's entrapping you, caging you in. I can only speak for myself, but I imagine it's not too different from others with depression. The world becomes black—pitch black. Picture yourself at the bottom of the ocean, the very bottom, where light does not shine. The weight and darkness of all that water is what the depression feels like. You have to keep swimming, have to keep up with society—friends, family, school, work, etc. But you can't budge, don't want to. It feels physically impossible to move on. That is depression.
I'm certain that I do not have depression anywhere near as bad as a lot of people out there. But it's not really a contest either, is it? The biggest issue is that almost anything can set off a depressive binge. Bad relationships, jealousy, social media, news media, bad grades, hearing that a girl you're interested in just went on a date with another guy, anything really. And when you do have good periods, periods of "happiness," it feels as if you're only taking a short vacation from the depression.
I look back at most high school experiences fondly, but when I take a hard look, there's not a day in the "journal" that didn't have blotchy ink stains all over it. Those were by far my darkest times. When I see the paintings, photos, art pieces that I created at that time, I can't see the vibrant colors. I see only the blackness of my soul. But thank God for art and music. If you haven't noticed, I have an unbreakable and incurable love of art and music. They saved me. They really did.
Being the hardcore introvert that I am, depression on top is not a good mixture. I sometimes wish I were more social, but can't bring myself to participate in social events. I'm working on it though. That's my current life goal—be more social. But when you have to fight against the depression and your personality, it's not so easy. I'm strong-willed, so as long as I keep at it, I'll come around eventually. I've done similar things before, it can be done. Not trying to turn myself into an extrovert either, just trying to improve.
Over the years I've learned that staying busy is a good way to fight or at least suppress the clouds of darkness. Why do you think I've so many hobbies? Makes sense now doesn't it? I've been in a good state of mind for the past while. Tinges of depression here and there, but I've been staying incredibly busy. Too busy. And really trying to find goals and visions to work on. Finding direction in life is key, and I think that's one of my biggest hangups at the moment. But I'm actively searching, so I'll figure something out eventually... I hope.
Once in a while, usually after some celebrity has taken their own life, you see hundreds of "please talk to me, I'm an open ear, if you're struggling get help, kinds of posts." Absolutely they're well-intentioned, but I think that the truth of the matter is: if you're really struggling with depression, there's a very very slim chance you're going to reach out to someone posting about it. The darkness forbids you to. Really the best way to help a depressed person out is to try and be there. Gently tug them out of the depression. Invite them to spend time with you one-on-one or in small groups. Be an open, non-judgemental ear. If they want to/when they're ready, they'll tell you their troubles. Talking about it helps. Talking about most emotional situations helps, but only with the right person. Respecting that person's privacy is incredibly important. Be loving—be delicate.
Again, I'm doing alright. I hate to even publish this post because I imagine everyone freaking out and making a big deal about it. That's exactly what not to do. I'm on the up and up, I've found what works for me. Occasionally, fits of depression will be inevitable, but I'll pull through. Don't worry about me, but do worry about others around you. Chances are incredibly high that you'll never know which of your friends, peers, or family members are struggling with depression. So be kind to everyone. Spend time with people, and keep an open ear. Though created for grief, I believe the principals of this video are incredibly relevant for depression. Check it out
“The soul speaks its truth only under quiet, inviting, and trustworthy conditions.” — Parker J. Palmer
For years and years, I've suffered from depression. But then again, perhaps suffered is not always the correct term. Sometimes I've reveled in it. Before I continue: please note that this is not a "cry for help," I am by no means suicidal, nor am I looking for a pity party or anything like that. I'll get by. But to give you a glimpse into what depression is like, here goes.
At this point in my life, it seems as if I can feel only three, maybe four distinct emotive states. Depression, non-depression, slight bursts of anger (mostly caused by injustices), and once in a while, bewilderment. From time to time, there are thin rays of sunlight that peak through, but the clouds of depression are always lurking, ready to cut them off. But, as said before, sometimes I revel in the depression. I don't drink, but I imagine the buzz of having a few beers could be related to the slight "buzz" I get from a low-level depressive state. When in such a state, I become more creative, focused, and dedicated. But it is a very very fine line. One step forward and it's down the crevasse. One step backward, and it's back to the light, but the benefits vanish. Those states are rare. Typically I make most art pieces during such times or write on this blog, as I'm now doing.
But the dark periods are like nothing else. The darkness, the bad feelings, are tangible. You can stretch out a finger and poke the ten-ton blanket that's entrapping you, caging you in. I can only speak for myself, but I imagine it's not too different from others with depression. The world becomes black—pitch black. Picture yourself at the bottom of the ocean, the very bottom, where light does not shine. The weight and darkness of all that water is what the depression feels like. You have to keep swimming, have to keep up with society—friends, family, school, work, etc. But you can't budge, don't want to. It feels physically impossible to move on. That is depression.
I'm certain that I do not have depression anywhere near as bad as a lot of people out there. But it's not really a contest either, is it? The biggest issue is that almost anything can set off a depressive binge. Bad relationships, jealousy, social media, news media, bad grades, hearing that a girl you're interested in just went on a date with another guy, anything really. And when you do have good periods, periods of "happiness," it feels as if you're only taking a short vacation from the depression.
I look back at most high school experiences fondly, but when I take a hard look, there's not a day in the "journal" that didn't have blotchy ink stains all over it. Those were by far my darkest times. When I see the paintings, photos, art pieces that I created at that time, I can't see the vibrant colors. I see only the blackness of my soul. But thank God for art and music. If you haven't noticed, I have an unbreakable and incurable love of art and music. They saved me. They really did.
Being the hardcore introvert that I am, depression on top is not a good mixture. I sometimes wish I were more social, but can't bring myself to participate in social events. I'm working on it though. That's my current life goal—be more social. But when you have to fight against the depression and your personality, it's not so easy. I'm strong-willed, so as long as I keep at it, I'll come around eventually. I've done similar things before, it can be done. Not trying to turn myself into an extrovert either, just trying to improve.
Over the years I've learned that staying busy is a good way to fight or at least suppress the clouds of darkness. Why do you think I've so many hobbies? Makes sense now doesn't it? I've been in a good state of mind for the past while. Tinges of depression here and there, but I've been staying incredibly busy. Too busy. And really trying to find goals and visions to work on. Finding direction in life is key, and I think that's one of my biggest hangups at the moment. But I'm actively searching, so I'll figure something out eventually... I hope.
Once in a while, usually after some celebrity has taken their own life, you see hundreds of "please talk to me, I'm an open ear, if you're struggling get help, kinds of posts." Absolutely they're well-intentioned, but I think that the truth of the matter is: if you're really struggling with depression, there's a very very slim chance you're going to reach out to someone posting about it. The darkness forbids you to. Really the best way to help a depressed person out is to try and be there. Gently tug them out of the depression. Invite them to spend time with you one-on-one or in small groups. Be an open, non-judgemental ear. If they want to/when they're ready, they'll tell you their troubles. Talking about it helps. Talking about most emotional situations helps, but only with the right person. Respecting that person's privacy is incredibly important. Be loving—be delicate.
Again, I'm doing alright. I hate to even publish this post because I imagine everyone freaking out and making a big deal about it. That's exactly what not to do. I'm on the up and up, I've found what works for me. Occasionally, fits of depression will be inevitable, but I'll pull through. Don't worry about me, but do worry about others around you. Chances are incredibly high that you'll never know which of your friends, peers, or family members are struggling with depression. So be kind to everyone. Spend time with people, and keep an open ear. Though created for grief, I believe the principals of this video are incredibly relevant for depression. Check it out
“The soul speaks its truth only under quiet, inviting, and trustworthy conditions.” — Parker J. Palmer
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