Memoirs of the Mundane - Electro-dating
I'm afraid it has been some time. But sometimes even the mundane becomes too mundane to detail.
I've never been one who cared much for dating or even romance, and my romantic life can be summed up in one single word: clueless. But it appears that's the INTJ way. Doomed from the start.
Anyhow, I decided to make a jump to the 21st century, to maneuver the social battlefield of mind games and aching thumbs—electro-dating. Now, I'm not talking about dating robots, but perhaps that would be easier? Or perhaps that's exactly what all these people actually are (sort of seems like it, but more on that in a bit). So there I was, standing on the cliff of curiosity—and we all know what curiosity does to cats, but I'm allergic to them, so I figured I'd be safe. I took the jump: downloading app. After playing 20 questions with the app, I was in. Strangely, it appears that no one ever bothers to view the 20 answers though.
The game began. Swipe swipe swipe. Swipe up, swipe down, swipe left, swipe right, swipe in a circle, swipe yourself into hopelessness. The all too popular phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" fell on deaf ears. Perhaps dating app programmers don't have ears. But one thing is certain—they've definitely never read a book. How can one know by 3 or 4 pictures that you're destined for a lifetime together? I mean, yes darling, I could look at you for a lifetime, but what happens when you open your mouth? Can I put up with you for a lifetime? Can you put up with me for a lifetime? Sigh. Next.
Though one can't judge a book by its cover, one can certainly judge a romantic partner by their snapchat filter... NEXT!
As I swiped myself silly, I began to to realize that Mutual most likely stood for mutually desperate. But that's where the game begins. An app full of people trying to date, who are pretending that they're not trying to date. "Play it off easy, don't let them know how desperate you are" is the mantra of the electro-dating world.
Shortly I began to realize that I didn't have enough skin in the game—literally. It appears I missed the rules section where it says that at least one of your photos has to include you being 70% naked. I certainly missed the rule that said at least one of your photos has to look like it was taken by a 1 mega pixel camera from the late 80's, and the rule that said all of your photos should have 20 friends in them so that no one will have any idea which person you are. Oh and the rule that says you have to show off your dog—I'm not trying to bloody date your dog!
But out of curiosity, I swiped on. "How, and why do people find this kind of thing enjoyable?" I thought. "Hey, wait a minute, didn't I already swipe past that woman?" Wait a minute, wait a minute, everyone on here is actually the same person!
Something is very fishy here:
Every female: OMG I love running, the gym, watching the office, Jamba Juice, the beach, traveling, Imagine Dragons, and my pets. [If all 300,000 of you young women, in Provo, on here love running so much, shouldn't there be hoards of women clogging up the sidewalks in their tennis shoes? He thought to himself as he observed the vacant streets] Then you get to the next section, Insert "witty" comment here_____. "10/10 would recommend myself" "I heart fishing, but you could be my best catch" "I promise I'll love you almost as much as my dog" "Feed me ice cream and I'll love you forever" "I'm not short, I'm just fun sized" "Cute enough to stop your heart, skilled enough to restart it".
Excuse me while I go and vomit. NEXT!
"A rose is a rose is a rose," said Miss Stein, but when all you see are roses, you begin to hope for Scarlet Begonias. And perhaps that's what draws people in. Every single person on here is the same. I must keep looking until I find the one who is different. That's how they get you.
And then there are the people who include no info but their instagram account.... Why even bother getting on a dating app if all you want is to get more followers or whatever it is one does on that site. I'm not trying to date your social media account. NEXT!
At this point dear reader, you're probably thinking "he doesn't get it, he's too out of touch, why even bother." And I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. DELETE.
But to be honest, for me it was never really about the dating—I mean, like who gets a dating app when there's an international pandemic and you're not suppose to be in contact with strangers? If you do match up with someone, it's probably a bad omen, because it means they aren't taking the virus very seriously, right? But through all of this, I've learned two things. 1, apparently all women around my age in Utah are the same person. 2. My romantic life is doomed. If you're bored enough to hear my life's romantic story summed up in one random YouTube video, you can click here.
But for now (and maybe ever), I'm quite content with living in my own little INTJ world.
I've never been one who cared much for dating or even romance, and my romantic life can be summed up in one single word: clueless. But it appears that's the INTJ way. Doomed from the start.
Anyhow, I decided to make a jump to the 21st century, to maneuver the social battlefield of mind games and aching thumbs—electro-dating. Now, I'm not talking about dating robots, but perhaps that would be easier? Or perhaps that's exactly what all these people actually are (sort of seems like it, but more on that in a bit). So there I was, standing on the cliff of curiosity—and we all know what curiosity does to cats, but I'm allergic to them, so I figured I'd be safe. I took the jump: downloading app. After playing 20 questions with the app, I was in. Strangely, it appears that no one ever bothers to view the 20 answers though.
The game began. Swipe swipe swipe. Swipe up, swipe down, swipe left, swipe right, swipe in a circle, swipe yourself into hopelessness. The all too popular phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" fell on deaf ears. Perhaps dating app programmers don't have ears. But one thing is certain—they've definitely never read a book. How can one know by 3 or 4 pictures that you're destined for a lifetime together? I mean, yes darling, I could look at you for a lifetime, but what happens when you open your mouth? Can I put up with you for a lifetime? Can you put up with me for a lifetime? Sigh. Next.
Though one can't judge a book by its cover, one can certainly judge a romantic partner by their snapchat filter... NEXT!
As I swiped myself silly, I began to to realize that Mutual most likely stood for mutually desperate. But that's where the game begins. An app full of people trying to date, who are pretending that they're not trying to date. "Play it off easy, don't let them know how desperate you are" is the mantra of the electro-dating world.
Shortly I began to realize that I didn't have enough skin in the game—literally. It appears I missed the rules section where it says that at least one of your photos has to include you being 70% naked. I certainly missed the rule that said at least one of your photos has to look like it was taken by a 1 mega pixel camera from the late 80's, and the rule that said all of your photos should have 20 friends in them so that no one will have any idea which person you are. Oh and the rule that says you have to show off your dog—I'm not trying to bloody date your dog!
But out of curiosity, I swiped on. "How, and why do people find this kind of thing enjoyable?" I thought. "Hey, wait a minute, didn't I already swipe past that woman?" Wait a minute, wait a minute, everyone on here is actually the same person!
Something is very fishy here:
Every female: OMG I love running, the gym, watching the office, Jamba Juice, the beach, traveling, Imagine Dragons, and my pets. [If all 300,000 of you young women, in Provo, on here love running so much, shouldn't there be hoards of women clogging up the sidewalks in their tennis shoes? He thought to himself as he observed the vacant streets] Then you get to the next section, Insert "witty" comment here_____. "10/10 would recommend myself" "I heart fishing, but you could be my best catch" "I promise I'll love you almost as much as my dog" "Feed me ice cream and I'll love you forever" "I'm not short, I'm just fun sized" "Cute enough to stop your heart, skilled enough to restart it".
Excuse me while I go and vomit. NEXT!
"A rose is a rose is a rose," said Miss Stein, but when all you see are roses, you begin to hope for Scarlet Begonias. And perhaps that's what draws people in. Every single person on here is the same. I must keep looking until I find the one who is different. That's how they get you.
And then there are the people who include no info but their instagram account.... Why even bother getting on a dating app if all you want is to get more followers or whatever it is one does on that site. I'm not trying to date your social media account. NEXT!
At this point dear reader, you're probably thinking "he doesn't get it, he's too out of touch, why even bother." And I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. DELETE.
But to be honest, for me it was never really about the dating—I mean, like who gets a dating app when there's an international pandemic and you're not suppose to be in contact with strangers? If you do match up with someone, it's probably a bad omen, because it means they aren't taking the virus very seriously, right? But through all of this, I've learned two things. 1, apparently all women around my age in Utah are the same person. 2. My romantic life is doomed. If you're bored enough to hear my life's romantic story summed up in one random YouTube video, you can click here.
But for now (and maybe ever), I'm quite content with living in my own little INTJ world.
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