Memoirs of the Mundane - Not for the Faint of Heart

Memoirs of the Mundane - Not for the Faint of Heart

Beware of the mundane, for it can easily devolve to the insane. 

“Take your cloves ahff, leetle man.”

If my heart wasn’t having issues before, it was now. Thump, thump, thump. The middle-aged Czech woman tugged at my shirt. Leetle? I was very nearly twice her size. 

“This vay,” she said, dragging me along the maze of corridors. 

“Een here. Now, take your cloves ahff. Nobody vill know.” 

I stared at her alarmedly. My heart beat faster, felt ill. She coaxed again. This is not how I’d imagined my first time. I was too young for this. But, in the name of erudition, I succumbed.

“Now, lay on zee bed.” My heart skipped a beat, or maybe two. I stared at her in unbelief. 

“Do vat I say, lay on zee bed,” she snapped. 

I cautiously stepped towards the bed.

 “Down, down,” she said, as she reached to turn off the lights. 

If you have ever run a marathon, then congratulations to you, I haven’t, but in that moment, my heart fantasized that it was. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. So this is how it would go down, at the hands of a sadistic Czech woman. I had always pictured a much younger woman. But, you take what you can get, I guess. 

“Hurry up, you’re vasting time and zee moneys. Yes, good boy, lay on zee bed,” she said, patting the lacey pillow. How many others had visited her bed, I wondered. 

“You seeeem nervous,” she said, “is ziss your firzt time?” 

I gulped and nodded. 

“Don’t vorry leetle man, it vill all be okay.” 

I doubted her reassurance. For years, peers had recommended and encouraged it. “It’s easy, you’ll like it, everyone has to do it at some point,” they coaxed. And finally, I’d felt the urge. An urge I now deeply regretted. 

“Lay on your side, like a sexzy pose,” she enticed. 

I contemplated how I could make a break for it. She would still charge me, but it would be worth it—not like this. I shifted on the bed to make a run for it but she thrust me back onto the sheet. “Hold steel, leetle man.” 

Before I could make any other moves, she produced a large bottle of lubricating jelly and began rubbing it on my body. I gasped at the cold and slimy texture. Her hands were soft and experienced. Working her way up my torso, she took special care to caress my left nipple. What had I gotten myself into?! Please, please let me survive the results. My heart raced, 

thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump  thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump

blood coursed rapidly through my body, I felt I was going to explode.

“Take a deep breathe, relax, leetle man,” she counseled. 

Her hands continued to layer lubricating jelly across my torso. She turned momentarily to grab something. I sat up briskly, but my heart betrayed me—blood had been drawn to other areas of the body and I nearly passed out.

 “Are you okay, leetle man? Vee must go through viss diss now. It is too late.” 

She pulled some electric paddles from a nearby cupboard. I really hadn’t signed up for this, had I? I swear, I’ll never sin again if I make it out of this alive, I proffered to the darkened fluorescent lights above. Please. Please. 

Her delicate hands pushed my body back into position. 

“Now, lay on your backk vith your legz spread open.” 

The integrity of my heart was at question. thump thump thump. 

Leaning on top of me, she placed the electric paddles on my breast. The machine jumped to life.

v^√√v^──√v^√v^──√v^√√v^──v^√√v^──√v^√v^──√v^√√v^──

She produced a long metal gadget and began to rub it roughly on my chest. 

“Do you like zat leetle man?” 

“Not particularly,” I responded. 

“Vell, zat is too bad.” 

She continued to probe and prod my body with the device. 

“Breath in, breaths out. Breath in, breaths out,” she instructed. 

I was at her complete mercy now. 

“Vee need to slow your rate, relax. Pretend I am young woman again.” 

“What?!” I questioned. 

“Neverminds, just relax.” 

She probed harder and deeper, dancing the machine around my left breast.

v^√√v^──√v^√v^──√v^√√v^──v^√√v^────────────────────────────────

Holy $*@% I thought, I’m dead. She’s killed me. I was suddenly surrounded by white, a great blaring light from above blinded me. Was this it, the pearly gates? 

“Sorry leetle man, I just unplugged zee device on accidental.” 

I gasped a sigh of relief. After reconnecting, she turned the lights off again. 

v^√√v^──√v^√v^──√v^√√v^──v^√√v^──

“Zere, all better.” She probed, prodded, and barked breathing orders for what seemed like hours. Her sighs of “hmmm” were not reassuring. I desperately hoped the results would prove good. But simultaneously hoped for some sort of closure. Was I dying? Had the maskless weiners killed me with their tantrum lusts for “freedumb”? Would I even live long enough to see the results of the sweat, near tears, and blood I’d spilled taking samples the day before? 

sidenote: never let the intern take your blood sample—the education system in this country really is crumbling.

At long last, she said, “Okay leetle man, all done. Vee are feenished here. I vill send your scans to zee cardiologist. If it iz major, you vill stay here.” 

She left me alone in the cool, dark room. I still felt pangs of remorse, or maybe tachycardia. 

I lamented the steep price I would surely have to pay for getting my nipple rubbed—there are much cheaper options if you’re into that. 

“Okay leetle man, everysing looks okay. You can geet dressed now. I vill leave you alone, and zee doctor vill review your results in zee next few days.” 

I wiped the lubricant off my chest and returned my clothes to their proper order. I stepped into the hall for the Czech nurse to guide me back to the front office. She was nowhere to be found. I wandered the hall, peering into open rooms. Where did she go?! There was no one around. A practical joke perhaps? 

She jumped out from behind. “Ah, leetle man, I deed not sink you vould feenish so fast. Let me take you to zee front.” 

I followed her sheepishly down the hall, still praying my results would bode well—if for no other reason than to avoid the awkwardness of her caressing my bosom again. I stepped out into the sunlight, heart still beating wildly. Geez, is she sure nothing was wrong with me? I guess time will tell. Be still my heart. Or, I mean, don’t, cause that would definitely require another visit to her surgical bordello. 

A few days later.

The phone rang—would have rang if I ever took it off silent. 

“Your cardiogram looks perfect,” the doctor confirmed. 

“So what’s wrong with my heart?” 

“Well, absolutely nothing that we can tell. But, Long Covid has many mysterious side effects. It’s likely that you’re experiencing physical manifestations of anxiety caused by the virus.” 

“Huh. And that Czech lady did a good scan?”

“What Czech lady? We don’t have any female nurses in the cardiology department.”

…